Author Archives: sethjared

Cannibals

If Cannibalism became a thing, their ad campaign could be “You: It’s What’s For Dinner”.

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Music

If a bagel was a rock star, and he recorded an acoustic album, it would be called “UnToasted”.

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Advice

Everybody says put your valuables in a safe place, but that’s stupid. Put them in a dangerous place instead, because nobody will find them there. Like the inside of a shark.

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Body Switching Movies

You never see a man and a woman switch bodies in a movie. Because if that happened, then the guy would just spend the whole movie playing with himself. Even if there was a lot at stake, and they need to get back into their own bodies to save the ...

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Class Warfare

I’ll bet omelettes think they are better than regular eggs. But they’re not. They’re just normal eggs baked up together with meat and maybe some cheese and vegetables. How could they let that go to their heads? You can’t forget your roots.

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Store Ideas

We start a shoe store that caters specifically to Jewish people and call it “Shoes for Jews”. To be fair we could also do one called “Mittens for Muslims”. They would sell mittens.  

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How to Lie About Your Age

If you’re a 40 year old woman and you say “I’m 35” nobody is thinking “Wow, you are young!” They are thinking “Wow, you look terrible for 35!” Instead, say you are 60. Then, people will think “Wow! She looks 20 years younger!” If you want really impress people, tell ...

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Toilet Paper History

When toilet paper was invented hundreds of years ago, how did they first advertise it? Were they like “hey, you can stop wiping your ass with leaves or your hand or whatever, because now we have paper to do that with?” That isn’t a very catchy jingle.

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There Can Be Only One

I keep seeing T-Shirts and Mugs that say “#1 Dad” or “World’s Greatest Grandpa”. Furthmore, I have also seen literally thousands of blogs where each person seems to claim that their cat or puppy is the cutest in the world. That’s all a nice thought, but clearly, this cannot be ...

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TransMormers: More Than 20 Wives

Transmormers are just like regular Transformers. They are robots that turn into automobiles, boats, planes, etc. Except they are Mormon. I even designed a logo.

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